Troubled Youth

We are dealing with a bullying problem.

A couple of years ago, our elder son had a falling out with a neighborhood kid — to the point of coming to blows. We were mortified, and after factoring in some rather “over the top” outbursts at home, took our child to see a counselor and get medication. We work very hard to encourage our children to be kind, to stop violent behavior and curb violent words, and to do everything they can to de-escalate situations. For us, physical violence and verbal harassment are definitely not acceptable.

As an additional note, this neighbor child had already, by that time, stolen things and set our children against each other more than once. We were attempting to provide him with good role models, but obviously it wasn’t working.

The measures we took with our child seemed to pay off. He became more polite at home, received rave reviews from teachers and others at school. His grades leveled off and his mood and behavior improved steadily until by the end of the last school year he had several friends and was participating in a number of extra-curricular activities. We are allowing most of his medication to taper down naturally — rather than increasing it to keep up with his growth, we are keeping the dose steady so he outgrows it.

Both our children seemed to be getting along well with each other and with other children. We felt that the worst was over. However, periodically this child managed to goad one or the other of our children into a frenzy. He seemed to delight at making others unhappy.

So recently we had told our children to not play with this child, and since the beginning of summer they were to refuse to speak with or about him! This backfired somewhat, as he took the opportunity to play with other neighbor kids and said mean things about our children that made their other local friends decide not to play.
So much for avoidance.

Last weekend, this fellow who had already teased our elder son on the bus and hit him on the bus… decided that he would shoot at him while our boy and dog were out for a walk. Not content with using them for target practice, he followed them on his bike and continued taunting.

Even a serious talk and warning from a deputy sheriff didn’t slow him down much. Yesterday he was on his bike in front of our house yelling at the top of his lungs. I could hear his older sibling telling him to stop, but he didn’t until he saw me standing in the doorway.

So what to do? Obviously, this child is crying out for help — he is angry — and not getting it. Our own children, when they misbehave, are put on restriction or lose privileges or have to work to make up for their misdeeds, or we seek professional guidance. This child — not sure what happens, but it’s not working.

For now, our own options are limited. I am not going to restrict our own children’s movement or activities beyond making sure they are accompanied back and forth past this neighbor’s house (which lies on the only road away from our home). If another major incident happens, we will prosecute. I am also exploring a no-contact order to make it clear to this child’s parents that they need to keep him under control at _all_ times. It would also make future prosecution more “sticky.”

But we will try to avoid prosecution. I believe that the juvenile justice system is as flawed as the adult… I don’t want to make him angrier, or put him in a place he can learn even worse behavior. I just hope that between school authorities and us, he gets the help he needs before he acquires a record.

Peace is our goal: not just for the planet by the absence of war, and not just internal peace, but the peace that comes from a safe and pleasant neighborhood. If only this were the goal of everyone on our street and in our town!