I don’t know how we managed to be so fortunate. Only a few of our friends have been diagnosed with SARS-Cov-19, and as far as I know none have died of it.
But still, the last year has been brutal on our family. Like most families right now, we are doing the best we can to maintain social distancing, and it’s difficult to stay connected with those we rarely see. So unless there is a set time or day to connect (at least for me) it can be a long interval before we speak or write.
And on top of that, life does indeed go on: and so does death.
We seem to be losing people at the rate of about one every two months.
And in the middle of the commotion sometimes the losses happen and I only find out about them months later.
Tonight, I learned a dear friend died several months ago – in the middle of my own issues I hadn’t noticed she wasn’t posting anymore. And facebook’s algorithms don’t put “most recent” at the top of the feeds anymore, so I didn’t think too much about not seeing specific peoples’ posts…
We knew she was gravely ill, but somehow I didn’t expect her to go so fast. Here is a link to a lovely article in the local news about my friend.
And a couple of close relatives also died in the last six months.
And a friend from high school.
And this is in addition to serious health issues with people in our families that sometimes take our full attention.
And … none of these were Covid-related, but I cannot help but wonder if perhaps the need to keep physical distance, the lack of opportunities to have close support from a variety of people, didn’t play into some of these losses.
Tonight, I just feel “done.” I am crushed, and sad, and trying to remember to give myself the same compassion I give to others: even if things were “normal” these would be hard losses. We can’t always be present for everyone. We can’t always anticipate how long we have left with anyone – and it is “okay” to do the minimum right now – for as long as we must to keep our heads above water.
Even so, these losses are hitting me hard.
Could have.
Should have.
Would have (if only I’d known).
The older I get, the more familiar the feelings of guilt, of inadequacy, of hopelessness in the face of loss.
And, no matter how many losses I experience, they get harder. Practice, in this case, doesn’t make any of this easier.
Is it too soon for 2021 to be over?
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