I just came upon a short video that helped me think through what is ”really” going on with me, and it got me thinking about how we characterize our interactions with each other and with the physical world: You’re burnt out, not lazy by Olga from about a week ago. As usual, the short video has led to a very long post.
Since this post may trigger people who are in a similar situation to me, I remind everyone that in the U.S. there is a Crisis and Suicide Prevention hotline: 988 Clicking the link will take you to the website, where there are many resources and a chat line if you need help to discuss anything.
YOU are not alone!
Originally a facebook post, I wanted to capture my thinking here too, in a longer form. This is a way for me to track my ups and downs more reliably than just memory. This is less about needing support from others, and more about letting other people know they are not alone!
I acknowledge that I have in the past been in a position where I literally could not afford to take the time or obtain the supports I actually needed, when I worked long hours for little pay and had no health insurance or savings to fall back on. I am very lucky to have the time, space, and money to rest and recover at this point in my life! Many people in the United States and around the world literally work themselves into the ground because the systems in place privilege the rich and ignore the needs of those who work at difficult and physically demanding jobs. This fact is one reason I teach – to help others find ways out of generational poverty.
Why I am writing this.
I have been feeling so low in the last couple years – this year it has been recovering from the long covid. Not giving myself enough time to recover initially, and being denied Paxlovid when I first got sick (I was eligible, but unable to advocate for myself – and my darling husband called on my behalf and was told I couldn’t get it). It was my second bout of covid, I am sure – the first time was before there were tests that could confirm it, but the onset and symptoms and initial recovery tracked almost exactly. But some symptoms are still there more than 9 months later this time. Brain fog, exhaustion (waaaay past just feeling tired or sleepy!), and reduced sense of smell/taste…. the rare moments I can smell are so intensely wonderful, but don’t last very long. Last time (Feb 2020) I was back to normal within about 6 weeks. This time, I am still not back to normal.
Last year? It was just burnout. I didn’t have a name for it other than just pure exhaustion and a desire to quit everything. I knew it was triggered by the extreme stress of a situation at work, but I thought it was mostly the complex interactions of all the physical conditions I deal with on a daily basis until very late in the year.
I spent ALL last summer wishing and hoping to have enough energy to do “anything” or “something” and didn’t regain enthusiasm until the very end, despite seeing my doctor and getting some medication for the anxiety. But I did regain that enthusiasm before the end of summer. I enjoyed many days in the garden, and visiting with friends, and I had plans and an organized classroom, and lots of events coming up during the year. Right up until covid. For teachers: writing sub plans while fighting a fever was NOT a great idea. Returning to teach before I could last a full day without a nap was probably an even worse idea. I could, and should have allowed my colleagues to support me!
Burnout? Disability? Illness? Lazy?
And in the aftermath of the covid, I slipped back into burnout toward the middle of the year. One top of the long covid. My husband recovered relatively quickly and completely. What was wrong with me? My colleagues returned from illness and quickly got their students back on track. What was wrong with me? My friends and relatives quickly returned to date nights, travel, parties…. what is wrong with me?
I honestly thought I had become inherently lazy/disorganized/slow/stupid. I questioned whether I chose the wheelchair because I was too lazy to walk, that I wasn’t “tough enough” to do exercises to get better.
I questioned whether the classroom was so cluttered because I was too lazy to put things away, that I wasn’t motivated enough to keep a comfortable learning environment for my students. I questioned whether I struggled to teach or have any joy in teaching because I was too lazy to make useful lesson plans, that I wasn’t smart enough to wrap my head around the needs of my students.
I wondered if the daily migraines were a phantom that my lazy brain used to give me an excuse to avoid doing the things I love and the the things that were necessary – that I didn’t perhaps love my husband enough so I was making him do most of the work around the house all the time.
I don’t think there is any explanation beyond the long covid and the stress of school. I used to be so motivated, very articulate, quick to solve problems, an excellent teacher, and an enthusiastic gardener, cook, artist. When I was younger I could literally walk a ten-minute mile. I could ride a bike from practically the next county into downtown Olympia (and back). I would, and could, and did, run/jump/paddle/swim/hike/dig/lift….
Conclusion
I am not inherently lazy. I am not inherently disorganized (but I am a visual organizer so I tend to organize spaces in piles on shelves). I am not inherently slow of thought or disengaged. I am getting “some” of that back. But I need to be careful to work within my current limitations so I don’t wander into burnout again. I need to find a balance, and I need to be okay with not having everything in place before August.
The migraine today has responded well enough to a caffeine pill and a nap that I will get some organization done inside (it’s threatening rain). I am hopeful the increase the doctor approved on Monday for the migraine preventive medicine will be effective. Too soon to tell! But I already have scheduled a follow-up/wellness appointment with my doctor for just before school starts so we can be sure my health isn’t continuing to decline.
I can, and still do, walk and use a stepladder sometimes. But never for long, and some days not at all. Using the wheelchair away from home gives me the ability to keep “doing” what I love (teaching) for now. I do some strengthening exercises and some “limbering up” exercises, to help me maintain the current level of strength and dexterity. However, there is a noticeable decline after every long pause due to illness, which gets better but seems never to return to the original level.
The PLAN
After more than 40 years of increasing limitations to mobility and increasing allergic issues I think it’s best for me to let go of “fixing myself” and instead focus on maintaining functionality and continuing to make my environment as accessible as possible.
- Wide spaces between items in the classroom and home help me do the “normal” things even when I cannot stand at all.
- Air filters help me reduce reactions to mold, dust, chemicals, and other air-borne allergens.
- Having a dedicated mini-fridge and microwave for myself allows me to have hot or cold food items without cross-contact from foods that I know are dangerous.
- I will probably always struggle at times with aphasia and not recognizing faces (the result of TBIs decades ago). But I have “workarounds” that serve well enough for the tasks I do on a regular basis.
And something I don’t mention often but should: I have some permanent visual issues that wax and wane. They make reading tiresome and sometimes impossible. Most of the time when I am working online I magnify the text (a lot) and I always have a HUGE, colorful mouse icon. I listen to audiobooks and youtube videos instead of reading physical books most of the time to save my eyes. I love to read! This summer, I’m going in to the eye doctor for a screening and perhaps new prescription for glasses. Most of the time prescription glasses don’t seem to help more than the cheap ones from drugstores… but perhaps the current difficulties can be minimized to reduce eye strain.
As to the burnout? I just have to “let go” of perfection at work both now and next school year. I am setting a hard limit on working on the project for my team of this Friday – and then I will take a break until the beginning of August. Once that first three weeks of school are done, I hope to have most of the normal functions of the classroom “automated” so I can give the students some responsibility for keeping things organized. AND I will stop working late once the second week of school is done (but I give myself permission to go in early since I am a morning person!).
As for the other things, I think I need to practice the same patience I counsel for others.